Sure, Saipan may seem all innocuous and fun until you’re walking along, dinking with your camera and almost stagger into a picture window-sized cobweb, custom built by an arachnid so big that it can suck out all your body’s juices in 20 seconds flat, leaving you looking like one of those shrunken, pruney voodoo dolls they find in witchdoctors’ waiting rooms in the jungles of Haiti.
You know why we here in Minnesota don’t have this manner of man-eating spiders and Rodents of Unusual Size? Because of our freeze-your-face-off winters, that’s why. What would you rather have? A few weeks a year where you have to take inventory of your fingers and toes when you return from shoveling or have to fend off Skull Island-caliber bugs and lizards every time you take out the recycling?
Even the jungle’s itty bitty spiders are programmed to inflict maximum human discomfort and embarrassment with their uncanny penchant for biting people in warm, hairy, unmentionable places. Believe me. And it itches like a mofo, too.
I know I cowered in my apartment for two straight months and complained lavishly of cabin fever this past winter, but I’ve acquired a newfound love for the occasional spell of kill-everything cold. From now on, every time the temperature dips below zero, I’ll just imagine all the bugs and rodents dying off that would chomp on my doodle given half a chance.
Anyway, it’s good to be back in good ol’ Minnesota where there’s no question that I’m at the top of the food chain.
I’m wicked tan, by the way. I’m also so exhausted and jetlagged that I almost fainted while walking to Subway this morning. Or maybe it was the wine I was force-fed all the way from Guam to LAX. Whatever. I’m gonna go throw up.