DISCLAIMER: I normally don’t make a habit of writing slam-jobs on other cities just for the hell of it, but I needed a reason to write off all my St Louis expenses to lessen the overall sting of having voluntarily gone there like a moron. Sorry STL.
I fled the Twin Cities for much of the Republican National Convention, a.k.a. ‘the Republican Unlawful Detention’, a.k.a. ‘the Republican Rational Prevention’ (I got a million of ‘em people). I thought I was being prudent. Escaping the drunken, narrow-minded, homophobic fatheads, who all stayed in downtown Minneapolis for some reason, avoiding the dipshits running around with scarves over their faces as if anyone gave a f*ck about their identities and not being swept up in a mass arrest while out trying to buy milk for my cookies like a good goddamn American. That’s right, I still eat milk and cookies. I even make cookies. Don’t tell me that I don’t love this country you stinking, devil-worshiping, fornicating socialist.
Unfortunately, I went somewhere unimaginably worse: St Louis. I hadn’t been to St Louis since 1990. I spent most of that trip on a college campus, doing some wholesome juggling and wishing that the boy-girl ratio at juggling festivals wasn’t 45:1. So, it’s safe to say that I didn’t see much of St Louis back then. And it’s also fair to say that I didn’t see a whole lot of St Louis during this visit either. But the parts I did see were ubiquitously repellent.
Let’s start with the skyline. OK, that Arch is bloody amazing. Even from miles away, the sheer scale of it blew my mind. But apart from that, just dreadful. This may have had a lot to do with the foreground outside downtown being nothing but a sea of butt-ugly industrial buildings and warehouses. Or maybe it was simply that I had to stare at it so insufferably long as I sat in traffic.
Which brings me to the abominable state of traffic and driving. The instant I crossed over the Iowa/Missouri border I noticed an immediate drop in driving aptitude which got unthinkably worse as I neared St Louis. People were acting funny, like they weren’t exactly sure what to do with those shiny, reflective things mounted on their windshields and both doors. Baffled by these strange protuberances, it seemed as if they had resolved to just ignore them all together. Along with their turn signals. And the posted speed limits. And my exasperated honking.
St Louis may be the only major metropolitan area that I’ve visited in the entire world where people chronically drive under the speed limit. And not a little under neither. Perilously under. People were just lallygagging along. It didn’t matter if they were on the highway or a residential street, there seemed to be no awareness that sitting idly at green lights and driving 2 MPH down residential streets might cause a backup. And strangely, those caught up in those incessant backups didn’t seem to mind. It’s mass driving apathy down there.
And where are the coffee shops? I had to drive two miles to get a cup of coffee. Is there any other major city in the universe where you have to go two miles for coffee, second only to tea as the most common drink on Earth? I’m not talking the suburbs here, where you have to drive just to pick up your mail. I was smack in St Louis proper. Two miles. And with traffic being the way that it is, getting that cup of coffee took about 35 minutes. By the time I got there, I didn’t need the effing coffee. The rage and adrenaline had already done the trick.
And I hate to encourage an overused stereotype here, but people from the south tend to have certain qualities that were overwhelmingly present in St Louis. Loud, vacant, rotund… I didn’t even know that St Louis was south enough to be in The South. Look at a map. It’s dead center. I know Missouri shares borders with Tennessee, Kentucky and Arkansas quintessential, fried chicken-eating, truck driving, current events-challenged southern locales, but if one were to extend the Mason Dixon Line further west then you can clearly see… Oh, St Louis is the south. Never mind.
There are certainly great things about St Louis. Their zoo, museums and art galleries have free admission, and they have a spectacular botanical garden. I’m told there are great restaurants, but I only managed to get to one good place and a few so-so places. But in general the whole time I was there, I was sick with longing for my Minneapolis, where drivers usually move with purpose (the first snow accumulation of the year notwithstanding), the people are more attractive, most people can name that whatchamacallit country directly to the north of us and not a single resident lives more than four blocks from a reliable source of coffee.
I love you Minneapolis. Please forgive my insolence. I’d rather take a point-blank shot of mace up the nose and get arrested with excessive force for no apparent reason by a Maplewood cop than leave you for St Louis again. Now let’s go French kiss on the couch.
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We are so great | 10.09.2008 21:52 | 15 Comments
Dude, did you even GO to the Broadway Oyster Bar? They have the best Zydeco there.
I guess my picture of St. Louis is probably a bit “rose-colored,” cuz the last time I was there it was for the World Series.
11.09.2008 7:48
20 years ago, I interviewed for jobs in St Louis as well as Minneapolis and other cities. It was on the bottom of my list (I had not car then), and I’m glad I ended up in the Twin Cities and not there!
11.09.2008 12:19
I will freely admit that I haven’t ever been to Minneapolis, so I cannot address your comparisons of St. Louis with Minneapolis. But, I happen to love St. Louis.
In case you’re thinking I’m in some way prejudiced (i.e. from St. Louis), let me point out that I’m a native of Denver that lived for extended periods in Kansas City and Indianapolis.
I agree with a lot of your negative comments. Downtown is pretty industrial, and outside the arch the skyline maybe sucks a bit. The nightlife in the downtown area — at least the business district, not necessarily around the stadia — can be a little slow. Pretty much the only choice for coffee I’ve ever seen in the downtown area is the occassional Daz Bog inside an office building. The people are round. They still allow smoking inside restaurants. And the drivers are probably the worst I have ever encountered in the U.S.
With all that said, I have to disagree about your assessment of the overall St. Louis cultural and entertainment scene. The best part of St. Louis’ geography is that it is right smack in the middle of the country on a variety of major trade routes. As a result, it incorporates most of the best parts of most of the corners of the U.S. (okay, and some of the bad ones, too). Using food as an example, you will find great barbecue in St. Louis (Lambert’s beef brisket is the best I’ve ever had), along with tasty runzas/bierocks, and other Germanic/Scandanavian staples like schnitzel, kartoffelkuchen, and leberknudelsuppe (no lutefisk, thankfully). Soul food is also plentiful, as are vibrant Thai and Ethopian options in the DelMar district. There are also a handful of West Coast-style haute cuisine restaurants, and a couple of decent Tex-Mex joints.
That doesn’t even begin to mention the best Italian outside of New York City, in the Hill.
You pointed out the free cultural attractions, including the zoo, art museum, and science museum, along with the world-class botanical gardens, so I can’t fault you there, but you completely neglected to mention the music, which includes, as mentioned above, some amazing Zydeco bands, and a great blues scene on par with Chicago’s and better than Memphis’.
There’s also the sport. I won’t say much about hockey and football. I happen to kind of like the Blues, but I realize I’m talking to a Minnesotan. I can’t really say a good thing about the Rams. But the baseball, man! The baseball! As far as history, great ballparks, and a strong beer/baseball tradition, it is hard to beat St. Louis (and the surrounding turf in Missouri and Illinois; even southern Indiana) as a great place to be a baseball fan.
Basically, what I’m saying here, is that you gave St. Louis short shrift. Every time I visit, I discover something about the city that makes me love it even more. I don’t deny it has its problems — especially urban/suburban segregation — but it’s definitely in my top five cities to live in the U.S.
11.09.2008 17:26
I’m not so sure about the Italian places in the Hill. I was in the company of a native Italian, a St Louis resident, the entire time I was there and she was of the opinion that the Italian places on the Hill or just over dressed mediocrity and refused to take me there. She tells me she was once served lasagna with a side order of spaghetti. Lasagna with a side order of spaghetti??? See that’s proof right there that an actual Italian, or anyone that’s ever been to Italy, had no hand in designing that menu. I ate at a good Spanish place though called Modesto.
And I don’t watch baseball. It’s too slow and there’s too much spitting and genital rearranging.
12.09.2008 8:52
Okay, so you’re right. Something DOES happen when you cross the Iowa line. But next time you’re in town let us know, so we can steer you towards some nicer coffeehouses at least.
12.09.2008 15:44
I’ve never heard anything good about St. Louis, and it stands out in my mind as the setting for an undercover racial discrimination experiment that some news station did 20 years ago and has been featured in every course of study I’ve ever had, from high school through law school. Clearly, this means I am a hippie.
12.09.2008 21:20
If my memory serves me correctly, Jonathan Franzen is from there. He left STL faster as soon as the opportunity presented itself. You are not alone in feeling that same experience.
I myself visited there, but had a guide, didn’t have to deal with the rush hour traffic, and only saw the “hip” places vs. dealing w/ any of the annoyances you faced. If I was in your shoes, I would feel the same way.
Yep, the TC is the place to be. Granted St. Paul is better you know. 
13.09.2008 19:43
PS: white blinds would be just fine.
13.09.2008 23:31
I’ve lived in both Minneapolis and St. Louis. I have a natural affinity for St. Louis since I was born across the river and have spent a couple years at a time living in the area. I left Minneapolis for St. Louis in 2005 and will admit that I should NOT have left Mpls!
It’s funny… much of what you said about St. Louis is true. Sadly, the progressive mentality of a larger urban area seems lost in St. Louis. While Minneapolis is not devoid of social issues, it seems like old racism can’t be scrubbed from St. Louis.
While I like Minneapolis better than St. Louis (and should move back next summer), I have to give props to the food in St. Louis. It’s too bad I didn’t know you were going to St. Louis. (Not that you know me…) If you’d solicited advice about coffeeshops, I would’ve told you about two of the best in St. Louis. One is in Lafayette Square and is called Park Avenue Coffee. You could’ve gotten OUTSTANDING gooey butter cake (a St. Louis thing) while there. The other place is Coffee Cartel in the Central West End. Both are pretty easy to find.
I’ve been trolling your blog for awhile now… this was the first time I had a legitimate reason for leaving a comment. Sorry for the novel!
14.09.2008 18:02
My first job out of school was in St. Louis. Couldn’t get out of there fast enough!
Went back a couple years ago for a trade show. Couldn’t get out of there fast enough!
16.09.2008 12:02
Yeah, random commenter – but I LOVE this city, and your blog by association. Unfortunately I don’t do enough interesting shit to warrant having a blog. 
And yeah – at least five coffeehouses within walking distance of my apt. <3 MPLS!
2.10.2008 14:51
The South (from a cultural perspective) actually begins about 45 minutes south of Chicago — if you’ve ever visited central/southern Illinois, you’ve been to the South, minus the charm, history and good food.
Defining where the “Midwest” begins and ends is a constant fight for people who care. The two big mistakes are lumping in the Dakotas/Kansas (Plains states! Different people!) and Missouri / Indiana / central Illinois, part of the cultural south. I think access to a Great Lake is pretty key.
4.11.2008 14:52
I’m inclined to mostly agree with this article. I grew up in STL and left at age 20, and recently came back for a couple of years to finish school. I regret coming back here every day I wake up. It’s one of the most bland cities in the country (and I’ve lived in or been to many of them). After getting used to living in California where races other than just black or white actually exist, and the weather is nice, and there’s actually a large selection of places to eat, and people are happy, and the scenery is nice, and it’s not dominated by christian conservitivism, and… yeah, I could go on and on – so yeah, after getting used to actually being happy where I lived, coming back to STL has been rough. The city has a few really nice things, such as the free zoo, but everything else about it is terrible. Year 1950 – population 856,796. Year 2000 – population 348,198. I think that, along with this little fact “…the city has lost people at a rate faster than any other major American city, losing more than half its population…” pretty much sums it up. I love when people try to say “But the cost of living is so cheap here!” as a plus side to the city – there’s a reason it’s so cheap – nobody wants to live here!
11.03.2009 18:45
James Norton:
It’s weird, but the “south” you talk about is more in pockets. Certainly not everything more than 45 minutes south of Chicago is culturally the south. Champaign/Urbana isn’t. Kankakee isn’t. Peoria isn’t. Bloomington/Normal isn’t. Hell, even Carbondale isn’t. Sure, the rural areas are different, but you can’t just draw a line and make those kinds of generalizations. I don’t know St. Louis all that well, but there are more progressive areas.
6.01.2010 10:05
Hi:
Almost 3,000,000 people live in the St. Louis metro area, so obviously SOME people want to live there. The loss of population might have to do with the increase in suburban living, don’t you think? And that has a lot to do with the fact that commuting/driving in St. Louis is easier than in most major cities.
6.01.2010 10:11
